Why Attachment?
Attachment defines the relationships that keep our world spinning around the sun and our cells shaping our bodies. When we talk about Attachment Theory, we are talking about the instinctual drive toward closeness and proximity that all mammals have at birth, it is our survival instinct. In sea turtles, their survival instinct tells them which beach to go to to lay their eggs, and where the ocean is when they hatch. In ducks, the imprinting instinct upon hatching is their initial survival instinct. Both of these drives orient a species toward safety so that their chances of survival are as secured as possible from the first moment of their birth.
We can also look through the lens of Attachment Theory to get a picture of the orientation process for humans: it is the drive or instinct to keep in close proximity to those we hold most dear. While Attachment orients us to those that are most likely to ensure our survival, it also is dependent upon and builds relationship. Our capacity for healthy relationships develops slowly over time, it is learned not inherited. So here is where we, as humans, diverge from other mammals- our Attachment development is more socially complex and therefore has more potential for disruption.
Out of instinct, children will spontaneously fall into an attachment relationship when conditions are conducive, i.e. warm and safe, and when their tender emotions are able to be expressed. Some questions we can ask ourselves to gauge whether or not we are providing these conditions in our relationships with our children are: Do they have an invitation to be present on this earth, to be in my presence just as they are? How safe is our relationship from disruption? How consistent is our relationship? How secure?
Our task in parenting our young children is to mitigate their feelings of separation. When we drop them off at daycare, can we provide something of our own to carry with them until we come back together- such as a t-shirt or a stuffie with our particular smell? Is there a smell, a taste, or something they can touch throughout the day that brings us into proximity, and provides the familiarity of ‘home’? When we say goodnight, is there something we can say that will preserve our connection- something that draws attention to what stays the same from this day to the next or something that we will look forward to when we next have contact such as;“I will see you in my dreams” or “my favorite part of every day is when I get to snuggle you when you wake up” ? When there is a problematic behavior, how do we remind them that our relationship is bigger than the problem, that they still have the invitation to exist in our presence even while we are correcting the behavior? If we rely on methods such as counting or time-outs, we are exacerbating separation. These punishments put the focus on separation for the child who undergoes a feeling of; ‘Because I am not behaving one way, I can not be with my parent in this way.’ We can choose to stay close in our response, waiting for a calm moment to address any difficult situation.
Attachment Theory is the theory of human relationships. Bringing our children close to us and holding them close keeps them from feeling the alarm of separation and ensures they can mature and develop freely into who they are meant to be.