Parenting In a Nutshell: Understanding Telos
Aristotle developed the concept of ‘Telos’ in the 4th century BC. The telos of a living thing is like the oak tree that rises out of the acorn. We all come to this life with inherent capacities and, given the right environment- sun, water, shade, space- we have the capacity to grow into a mighty oak. The way we parent provides the environment for a child’s life.
A parent’s job is to support a child’s growth; to see the greater purpose of their struggles and their joys, to see our children and their possibilities even in the thick of our own parenting challenges. We won’t always get it right or have the foresight to see the whole but, if we can hold in our minds the image of the oak, we can step-back and water the seeds of their development.
Dr. Gordon Neufeld, the Vancouver Psychologist, once said, “To truly ‘raise’ a child, then, would be to bring that child to their full potential as a human being.”(Neufeld, 2012). He further defined the process of actualizing potential as a process of maturation; the end results being that we become Adaptive, Viable and Social human beings. By his definition, it takes all three to reach our full human potential.
To become adaptive, a child must encounter futility. For the child , the way futility expresses itself is through tears. When a child meets with something that they cannot have or cannot change, they must learn to come to a place of acceptance, if not understanding. Once this place is reached, they can rest and release and eventually adapt. Parents are the primary agents of futility for their children; they must sometimes answer: ‘no’. Not just for the sake of ‘no’, but with an understanding that even though it is uncomfortable, when ‘no’ is necessary- it serves a greater purpose. Learning to adapt and accept leads to resilience in the face of life’s challenges.
To become viable, a child must learn to stand on their own. Ralph Emerson wrote:
“It is easy in the world to live after the world’s opinion; it is easy in solitude to live after our own; but the great man is he who in the midst of the crowd keeps with perfect sweetness the independence of solitude.” (Emerson, 1841, 6)
This speaks to the idea of being able to stand on our own and requires the slow maturation of childhood to reach. Our evolutionary need for proximity (safety) must be met for us to be able to venture forth into the world. For the young child, and even the adolescent, a safe harbor must be established and maintained. They must know that there is a safe space for them to return to so that they may express the vulnerability of their individuality out in the world. The role of a parent is to be that safe harbor. They must know they are seen, loved, and known - just as they are.
Finally, we mature as social beings. To do this we need to experience inner conflict- to encounter the mixed feelings of what I want and what they want. ‘Because I have this toy, my friend is sad but I am glad.’ Mixed-emotions cannot be felt in a child until around age 5, the neurological development just isn’t ready until then. Once they can feel more than one emotion at once, they can begin to understand empathy, compassion, and compromise.
Simply put, our children need us close by, especially in the first three years, to set them on this path of becoming.They need to feel us and know that they are a part of us- even in the midst of time apart. This alone prepares the way for them to step into the world, stand on their own two feet and actualize their full potential.
Bibliography
Emerson, R. W. (1841). Self-Reliance. In Essays: First Series (p. 6). Emerson central. https://emersoncentral.com/ebook/Self-Reliance.pdf
Neufeld, G. (2012). Keys to Well-Being in Children and Youth. The Neufeld Institute. Retrieved 2 2, 2021, from https://neufeldinstitute.org/wp-content/uploads/2017/12/Neufeld_Brussels_address.pdf