Completely Normal Child Behaviors
As parents we often feel like we need to repress our children’s completely natural urges, especially when we are in social situations. When children are playing, especially with others, we see them throw and grab and feel the need to prevent or manage the behavior, when in the end, what our child is doing is completely natural and developmentally appropriate. Children are learning all the time and they learn through experimentation: what happens when I throw this toy across the room? What kind of sound will this make when I drop or smash it? How do I get what I want and keep it? Our children are living out all these questions and more when they try out different behaviors.
Below you will find four completely normal behaviors your child will exhibit: throwing, grabbing, dumping, and building things up just to knock them down. Instead of trying to stop or control these behaviors, as parents our time would be better spent working with them to help our children learn about and navigate their world.
Throwing
In every moment of everyday our children are learning about their world. A lot of this learning is done in exploring cause and effect. When children throw, they want to see what is going to happen. This can be tricky when what your child picks up is something large or heavy, or both. A child is going to throw, there’s no avoiding it, but what we can do is set safe and clear boundaries around the behavior.
Try: Let your child know that it is not ok to throw large or heavy objects in the house, especially around others. Offer to bring them outside or provide them with a variety of soft, safe toys to experiment with. Felt and wool balls are perfect for this. They are colorful, light-weight and safe to throw indoors.
Grabbing
Children are not wired to share, as much as we may want them to be able to resist the urge to grab something away from another child. (See: A Toddler’s Rules of Possession). Grabbing, when angry or distressed, is also a completely natural urge. Even as adults, when we experience these feelings, we can notice our hands clenching. As with all other behaviors, consistent boundaries, delivered calmly is the best way to address this.
Try: Help your child navigate social situations. Instead of insisting that they share or give something back, acknowledge the situation and help them through it (“I see ____ has something that you want to play with, ask to have a turn and wait until they are done” or “I see ______ wants what you are playing with, you can let them know you are not finished with it and you will let them have a turn when you are done.) It is also ok, to just get in close and observe the situation. Parents are generally poised to act on behalf of their child in these situations, and while it may be uncomfortable in the moment, sometimes if you give it a moment and let the child have their power struggle, they will resolve it themselves. Given the opportunity, children will often give something up or back. Avoid grabbing something away from your child… how can we expect children to learn not to grab when they see us doing it? If your child is grabbing in anger, get close and let them know you are not going to let them hurt another child. Remind them that they are grabbing someone else’s body and that is not ok. Gently remove your child’s hand.
Dumping
This can be particularly frustrating when your child is dumping out toys or other things all around your house. Even more so when it is something you are trying to clean up. Your child may also dump food and drinks out on to the floor. This is all completely normal. Your child is experimenting with gravity. They also may just want to know what something sounds like when it hits the floor. While the sound may make a parent cringe, the sound of toys or blocks dumping out onto the floor is very satisfying to the child. Something dumped is also an opportunity to restore order to chaos and your child may be trying to satisfy this urge as well.
Try: Limiting the amount of something that is available. Only have out or offer what you are willing to clean up. This applies to toys, as well as food and drink. If you know your child is prone to dumping their drinks out, only fill the glass with a small amount of liquid. You can also provide your child with materials to dump out that are easy to clean up.
Building Up and Knocking Down
We have all seen it: a child builds a huge tower with toys or blocks, stands back to admire their achievement, and then promptly pushes it right over. Much to a parent’s horror, it may also be that your child knocks down another child’s tower. This is also an experiment with gravity and cause and effect. The child wants to know what will happen when those toys or blocks come tumbling down. It may also be that on some subconscious level the child knows that nothing stays intact forever and so knocking the tower down and getting right to the inevitable outcome is better than living in the suspense of anticipating it.
Try: When your child is building a tall tower, especially with something big and heavy, clear space around the area so that when it eventually comes crashing down, there is nothing in its path that could get damaged, this includes you, your child, or other children. This can also be done ahead of time if you know that your child loves to knock things over. If the tower that’s been knocked over belongs to another child and that child is upset by the destruction of their project, offer to help rebuild it with your child.
There’s a saying “You can’t push the river”. It is like that with our children’s natural urges, just like a rushing current, you are not going to stop it by pushing back. The river is going to continue to flow and you will just be standing there, wet and frustrated, trying to get it to do anything else. Your child is going to throw, grab, dump, and knock things over. We can’t expect them to be other than they are. What we can do is control our response, set safe and healthy boundaries, and redirect them in a way that makes sense. Force and control may work in the short-term, but if we want our children to learn to successfully navigate their world, we need to work with these natural behaviors, and not against them.