Discipline with Heart
One of my favorite quotes for parenting is;
“There is no such thing as a disobedient child, only a disoriented one.
Disorientation is pushing us in order to find orientation (where they are).”
- Kim John Payne
The key of this quote is that it helps us to take a step back from the behavior and see our child with fresh eyes. Think of a time when you have been lost. It’s really an uncomfortable feeling isn’t it? When we can’t get our bearings, we can quickly become panicked, upset, and reactive. When our children feel lost, disoriented or unsure they will express this in some of the few ways they know how.
As a parent, it is often our unpleasant task to help our children navigate the social-emotional waters of Early Childhood. Behaviors during this time can range from calm and sweet to angry and explosive from one moment to the next. The reality for many of us is that we ourselves don’t quite feel up to the challenge of working with strong emotions. If, when the going gets tough, we can remember to ask ourselves a few questions to help bring understanding and awareness, we are better equipped to help our children.
Question 1: “What’s up?”- when we recognize that this is something different, something out of the ordinary from our child’s typical behaviors we can see past the behavior to the child we love. We can remember our child is actually asking for our help.
Question 2: “What happened before this that led to this moment?” - Looking for the antecedents (what came before) can help us sift through the information to figure out what may be wrong. Our children do not get upset without a reason. They may be crying because the cookie no longer fits together but that isn’t the reason. What happened before that? Did they miss a nap? Did they have a busy morning with lots of stimulation? Did they have to say goodbye to someone they love.
Question 3: “What values do we hold as a family to help resolve this?” - When we are able to attach a family value to working with a behavior, we bring our children close into the circle of those they love. We remind them of how we are together, and our child is no longer alone. If your child is hitting their sibling, you can step-in and, after allowing them to calm down, remind them of the value of love and respect your family shares. It might sound like this; ‘You were very upset with your sister. It did not feel good when she took the toy and you hit her. Next time, I will help you if you are upset because we love and care for each other. I will help you remember next time.’ With these words, you have oriented your child to your calm and secure presence, you have reassured them they are not alone, they are understood and they have help.
Discipline does not need to be a power struggle. In fact, as soon as it becomes a power struggle, we have already lost. Discipline is a way to help our children learn and grow and gain new skills so that they can navigate future social difficulties.