Sleep and Attachment
What is secure attachment?
A secure attachment bond meets a child’s need for security, calm, and understanding which allows for optimal development of the child’s nervous system.
A child’s developing brain organizes itself to provide a foundation based on a feeling of safety. As a child matures, this foundation can lead to:
healthy self-awareness
eagerness to learn
empathy
trust
According to the Georgia Department of Human Service (GDHS), infants who are securely attached have learned they can trust other people to take care of them. They tend to:
react well to stress
be willing to try new things independently
form stronger intrapersonal relationships
How do I form a secure attachment bond with my child?
Secure attachment starts with us. It is our relationship with ourselves, our inner life, that supports and creates attachment with another. Focusing on ourselves- through self-care, therapy (especially if you would describe your own childhood as difficult), meditation, exercise, or any practice that increases wellness and/or self-understanding allows for us to better create a secure attachment bond with our child.
In our culture, we can get so wrapped up in the material objects and the external behaviors that we can miss what is truly at the core of attachment -- you and your child. It is possible to create a secure attachment if you breastfeed or bottle feed, sleep train or co-sleep, stay at home with your children or go to work, or wear your baby or use a stroller. Don’t get caught up in rigid ways of doing things. Instead, find what helps you to delight in your child. This doesn’t mean we won’t get frustrated or upset with our children. It means that we get out of our own way so that our child knows and feels that they are the apple of our eye. Their needs will be met, and they are safe because we love them. It is not so complex what our child is asking us. Do you love me? Do you see me? Am I special to you?
Strategies for forming a secure attachment bond:
Take time to care for yourself. Fill yourself up. Make your health and well-being a priority.
Develop a mindful observation practice. Tune in and be present with your child while he or she is playing without interfering. Seeing what interests your child and watching the slow magical unfolding of their development can help you to delight in your child.
Nonverbal emotional interactions such as reassuring touches, attentive eye contact, and a warm, affectionate tone of voice. Moments when we give our child our full undivided attention are experienced as the embodiment of love.
Your child communicates to you through facial gestures, crying, cooing, pointing and laughing. Respond to these interactions with warmth and affection.
Moments of caregiving (diaper changes, feedings, bathing etc.) are a great time to be present and give nonverbal emotional interactions. Slow down and pay attention to your child’s cues. Make each action intentional and in relationship with your child.
It is not necessary to give our children our full attention every moment. Give space for your child to create a relationship with themselves and the world by playing independently.
Make clear boundaries. Children need and crave boundaries. We, as parents and caregivers, need them too. Be clear, warm, and firm in your conviction when enforcing them. Accept strong reactions to boundaries; this is the release of emotion your child needs.
Providing your child with adequate sleep. A comprehensive study showed “significant associations” between sleep efficiency (the amount of sleep your child gets) and attachment security.
Don’t worry. Every relationship unfolds in its own way and in its own time. Let go of your expectations. If you are working on developing healthy attachment, that is all your baby needs. You are enough.
How does “sleep training” affect attachment?
The words “sleep training” have become synonymous with putting your baby in a room and letting them cry. This is not the case. Sleep training is the process of teaching your child healthy sleep habits and associations. Scientifically backed sleep training methods include these aspects: a proper sleep environment, biologically aligned sleep timing, the use of bedtime routines as a cue for sleep, and the development of soothing skills. Parents can be responsive to their child’s needs during the process of sleep training. Healthy sleep habits can be learned gradually from birth resulting in little to no crying.
However, without intentionally teaching healthy sleep habits, sleep habits that have worked so well for the first few months of a child's life, may get in the way of healthy sleep as the child grows. Parents may need to implement changes to the child's routine in order to create new habits and associations. Children often get frustrated or upset when there is a change in routine. This doesn’t mean we can’t be responsive to these frustrations, but it does mean that we need to continue to create structure and support the child through the process despite these frustrations. It is important to be consistent, especially for the first two weeks of the process. When we are consistent, children know what to expect when it comes to sleep, and it will make the process easier and more enjoyable for all involved. The goal is for the child to have clear expectations and associations about sleep, so consistency is key.
Once the new routine is learned, children usually go to sleep happily without frustration. Their crib or bed becomes a safe place, and sleep becomes something they enjoy. I often find children become more relaxed and enjoyable to be around. Caregivers generally get a confidence boost and feel more in control of their lives, less anxious and depressed, and content. Sleep is truly a gift!
At the same time, it is possible to have some inconsistencies such as trips, car naps, illness, or teething that disrupt the carefully created sleep habits and routines. Your child will be able to get sleep back on track quickly with a healthy sleep foundation.
Taking the time to teach your child healthy sleep habits is not only safe and effective, but it can support healthy attachment. The Journal of the American Academy of Child and Adolescent Psychiatry (1998) states: “Sleep training improves daytime mother-infant interactions.” These interactions are crucial for the development of a secure attachment bond.
The studies below demonstrate the relationship between attachment and sleep training:
Journal of Pediatrics and Child Health (1998): “(Sleep training) improved problematic childhood sleep behavior and is associated with significant improvement in maternal mood.”
Pediatrics (2008): “The intervention had a beneficial impact in reducing maternal depression symptoms and no evidence of longer-term adverse effects on either mother’s parenting practices or children’s mental health.”
Pediatrics (2012): “Behavioral sleep techniques have no harmful effect on measures of children’s emotions, behaviors, psychosocial functioning, child-parent closeness, or attachment five years later.”
Pediatrics (2016): “(Sleep training) provided significant sleep benefits yet convey no adverse stress responses or long-term effects on parent-child attachment or child emotions and behavior. Mothers reported less stress after intervention.”
Sleep training does not adversely impact a secure attachment bond. A secure attachment bond is about providing a sense of security and safety and being a secure base from which a child can explore their world. It is about the caregiver’s relationship to themselves and to their child. Restorative sleep, whether through formal sleep training or other means, can support the interactions that form the secure attachment bond between caregiver and child.
Takeaways
Forming a healthy attachment starts with our relationship to ourselves.
Sleep training does not affect your attachment bond with your child. It has been shown to even improve the formation of a secure attachment bond.
Attachments between an infant and a primary caregiver begin developing at birth through one-to-one interactions and caregiving. These early interactions affect the brain, establishing patterns for how a child will develop relationships as they mature.
Co-sleeping, breastfeeding, babywearing, and so forth, in and of themselves, do not cause a secure attachment.
Children can learn to sleep well without little to no crying if healthy sleep habits are learned gradually from the start.
During the window in which you are teaching your child healthy sleep habits, increase the amount of time you spend with your child with undivided attention during the day. Focus on these special moments of care can be supportive to both child and caregiver during the process of implementing a sleep training method.
Consistency is key when teaching healthy sleep habits.
Sources:
Simard V, Chevalier V, Bédard MM. Sleep and attachment in early childhood: a series of meta-analyses. Attach Hum Dev. 2017 Jun;19(3):298-321. doi: 10.1080/14616734.2017.1293703. Epub 2017 Feb 20. PMID: 28277095.
https://dch.georgia.gov/home-health-agency
Journal of Pediatrics and Child Health: https://www.jpeds.com/