Margit Foster

Do you struggle to get your child into bed and to stay in bed at bedtime? Here are some tips to make bedtime a little easier.

1. Have an Age Appropriate Bedtime

• When we offer a bedtime too late, children will get a second wind resulting in more difficulty falling asleep and staying asleep. A second wind often looks like hyperactivity.

• Try putting your child down a little earlier if you think your child is getting a second wind. Sometimes even 15 minutes earlier can make a big difference! An ideal bedtime is between 6-8pm.

• Keep your bedtime routine short and simple so that your child will not become overtired.

2. Have a Plan

• If your partner or other caregiver will also be implementing the plan, make sure you are on the same page. Write it down so that you both can follow through in the same way each time.

• Have a mantra such as “It’s time to rest.”

• Anticipate your child’s needs. Have everything they will need--glass of water, their lovey, even a small potty in their room if nighttime bathroom visits have become a struggle.

3. Establish Clear Expectations

• Have a family meeting during the day. Establish your sleep rules in this meeting such as: I stay in my bed, I close my eyes, I go to sleep.

• At the meeting, tell your child what will happen if the rules are not followed. Explain the process--”If you get out of bed I will guide you back to your room until you stay in your room. You may get upset. I love you, and because it is important to get rest, I will help you to make sure you can stay in your bed and go to sleep.” ○ Remind your child of the rules as part of the bedtime routine.

• The “just one more thing” syndrome -- If your child continually asks for one more thing (e.g. glass or water or tuck in), try using a bedtime pass. Your child has one pass to get whatever it is they want. Once the pass is used, it is time to sleep

4. Connect with your Child during your Bedtime Routine

• Often when our children say “no” they are also saying that they wish they felt more connected to us than they do.

• Take time to connect during caregiving --bathtime, diaper changing, hair brushing, meals to really tune in with your child. Be slow and intentional. Turn off your phone and the tv, and be present. Follow your child’s cues. Your child will find it easier to surrender to sleep when he or she is “filled up” with your love and attention.

• Children experience our full attention as the embodiment of love.

5. Turn “no” into “yes”- If your child is resistant during the bedtime routine (not wanting to get teeth brushed, get into pjs etc.) practice turning “no” into “yes”

• Use Imagination- If your child doesn’t want to put on pjs, have her dress one of her stuffed animals in her pjs or have a little bunny hop through the arm hole. Make a bridge of warmth into the activity.

• Use song- Have a song that you sing for different parts of the routine. Sing the song and, without having to say anything, your child will know what to do next.

• Use movement- Try bear crawling, rolling, or hopping to the bathroom if your child refuses to go in.

• Use Humor- A laugh can break down anyone’s resistance.

• Love/Touch - Have a cuddle or touching game before starting an activity such as a diaper change. (I love the touching games from Wilma Ellersiek’s Giving Love-Bringing Joy)

6. Follow Through

• Whatever your plan is, make sure you are consistent 100% of the time.

• You will reinforce undesirable behaviors if you are inconsistent.

• Even little gestures like saying goodnight or a tuck in can keep your child wondering what will happen next. Be consistent..

• Make your response as boring as possible. If you do the exact same thing every time your child gets out of bed, your child will lose interest in testing the boundary.

7. Bless the Meltdown

• It can be very challenging to experience our child being upset about a boundary. It never feels good, but it doesn’t mean we're doing anything wrong. In fact, we are giving our child the gift of clear expectations and boundaries that help him or her feel safe and secure. We are also giving our child and the gift of good rest so that he or she can play, learn, and enjoy life to the fullest.

• In those challenging moments, it can be helpful to think of the meltdown as a passing storm. Expect that it will happen, and try to emotionally distance yourself from the situation. Your calm and presence is most helpful. Imagine a calm and protective barrier between your and the experience of the intense emotion or a dampening of the senses. Be curious, observe, and be empathetic and understanding. Do not interfere with your child’s process unless they are at risk of hurting you or herself. It is often not helpful to talk to your child in these moments, but you can have a mantra like “It’s time to rest.” Wait until your child reaches out to you for comfort, then offer it full heartedly enjoying the calm after the storm.

To learn more about specific methods to use for bedtime battles and get support with implementing them, check out my services on my website www.litttlelanternsleep.com or contact me directly margitfoster@littlelantersleep.com.